Dear God/The Divine Source/The Universe,
I am 30 years old and I don’t yet know what I believe. But I am trying. I believe I am on the right path to finding what this life is about and what goes beyond. I am choosing choice. I am choosing to believe that there is more, I am choosing to trust in whatever it is that is leading me to my true self, my higher potential and my purpose.
Whatever it is, I have to be honest. I have felt that it has let me down. Looking back on my past I am angry at all that “it” has taken from me from a young age. You took my brother, my partner in crime since I was born. You took the person who snuck upstairs to watch late night tv with me and talk, you took the person who hated me most on the best of days because we knew each other so well so we knew how to press just the right buttons. You took the one who when I called crying would rush to pick me up, get to the bottom of it and turn on the music and just drive. But you gave me alcohol. This gave me the ability to forget, to enjoy myself and give me a lifetime of memories good and bad. But it got me through. Later becoming another thing I hated you for.
Life would get sweet again, I would meet some of my greatest friends, one who I pushed away due to alcohol and one you took away too young as well. But just as it always does… you provided me another path… my son came into this world becoming my new amazing journey. I got married, bought a house and had my amazing daughter join our family.
Then the tables turned again, feeling lonely, getting divorced and spiraling from the two faced alcohol, but I survived. At this point my strength is feeling unbreakable. You have let me down so many times… but been there when I fell. You lift me up, just to break me down and call it a lesson. I have doubted it all. I stopped believing you existed.. but then blamed you anyway.
I have had great opportunities, amazing coworkers and learnt so much along the way. But I have also learnt I am not like the others. I have felt insanely happy, and then insanely low, just by walking into a different room. I have felt anxiety and trapped, yet the freedom to choose my own. I pick a path and I charge forward. I have succeeded and failed, all because of my own choices.
I began this year on a high. Starting a career I had chosen, created, learnt and excelled at. I found the man I had wanted and got married and began adding to our family and alcohol was no longer a part of my life. I was going to be able to begin coasting because life was falling into place.
And then hello whatever you are….. you chose to shake up my world again. My father was taken from us, or to be more technical, he made a choice to leave us. I thought this would destroy me. I thought I lost all hope of whatever you are existing… I thought anytime I received greatness in my life, something else would be taken away. I heard over and over that I was so strong. A blessing and a curse. Being strong is great when it’s the only option you have. But when you need to be vulnerable you feel you need to live up to the strength everyone claims you have.
This is my “F you” letter… this is my anger for all that you have done to cause me pain, whatever you are. And this is me letting it all go.
In the hopelessness, I found light. I felt love. I discovered choice. I feel lighter and I was shown another path. I was terrified of change and what people would think, and at some point it just stopped mattering anyway. I am relieving myself of judgement, of others and of myself. So much of me began to make sense. In amongst the confusion of so much trauma, I began to focus on grounding and finding peace. I would be lying if I said it was always easy, it is a constant work in progress. With daily practice and more time focusing on the good in this world and the good in people, I have replaced the negativity and the darkness in the world and in the people around me. With these practices I have been able to remain sober and not fall back into bad habits, and being able to create much healthier habits for my mind and body. My vibrations are higher and even the toughest people seem to shed some light and love. Call it hippy, call it woo-woo, call it wacky and call it crazy…. Whatever you choose to call it… I call it choice.
I don’t know who you are… what you are.. or what I believe.. but I CHOOSE to believe in whatever it is that makes this world a little brighter. I choose to allow myself to be more vulnerable so people stop claiming I am strong and forgetting and I need to be weak too. I choose to set aside all judgement of anything and everything and choose to love and help anyone I can. I choose choice to have the ability to brighten someone’s day just because. I choose to support everyone in any way I can , even if they cant support me. I choose to make the most of this life and stop blaming and stop trying to figure out who can allow this much pain in my life. I am happy because when I am on the wrong path “it” finds a way to turn me right around. And maybe if I CHOOSE to believe in whatever it is and trying to be a blessing every single day, then there will be no reason for “it” to need to try to send me on another path.
Is it God? Is it Divine? The Source? Or is it the Universe…
I don’t need an answer… I just need to be open to choice.